Dreams

I dreamt of you.

The family had come together and we were celebrating your life.  You were there in the flesh, though your soul had already moved on.  You sat in silence, listening to our stories, you were not afraid. You were strong, poised as usual, as each of us said goodbye to you in our own way, made peace with the past, and hugged you. I remember your hands.

You listened contently to my father’s speech. He quoted scripture about Jesus and water symbolizing re-birth. He trailed off, and I thought of my own loss again. My heart ached. My cousin rested her head on my shoulder as we listened to the stories of celebration. I knew she was hurting as she breathed a deep sigh, releasing the weight of the past.  My brother-in-law led us in prayer, as the room wrapped its arms around my Auntie, I knew it was time to say goodbye. I looked out the window to the reflection of the sunset on the water, the warm breeze comforting my worries, Hawaii’s shore calling her home. 

We walked down the long white pathway leading down to the water.  Women lay purple flowers at our feet, their sunkissed arms outstretched, their beautiful smiles welcoming us.  My eldest cousin rode a bike down the pathway, my Auntie reclining in a chair hitched to the bike. Her hair blew in the wind. She sat behind the strength of her daughter, whose strong legs powered the bike towards the water, leading her mom. My heart cried, overwhelmed. I clutched my mom Yaja, weakened by the loss of another family member.  I cried for her though her cheeks stayed dry.  She looked to the water, and peace overcame us, as my Auntie went willingly to her final resting place.

 I awoke that Saturday in a wash of emotion, it’s not often I’m given a gift of a dream involving death that fills me with so much peace.  I thought back and wondered if when we die, if our soul (or our consciousness rather) goes before our bodies, do we still get to dream? Do we get to choose a place where we go, with our families and loved ones, where we can hear their final words and feel their embraces all the way up till we finally let go?   What little I knew about my Auntie, I was sure she loved the beach, the sun, Hawaii, her kids.  I accepted this dream as possibility, and even reassurance, that my Auntie went in peace that day as she had in my dream.    

I think of my mom Virginia, and wonder if by going in her sleep if she also died in her dreams.  What did she dream of? Did she dream of me and my brothers as she let go to her final resting place. Was it also in water?  Did she dip her feet in the ocean, feel the sand in her toes one last time?  Did she hear her father calling her home?  As we spread her ashes that sunny day at the San Francisco Bay, I figured if there were any time I could be sure she was there with us, it would be right then, if only for a moment.  I hold onto that moment, every day.  It’s not goodbye, anymore than a farewell celebration means you’ll never see them again.  It's more a parting, as she moves from one form to another, from this life to an eternal life.  I will see her again, someday. In the meantime I look forward to seeing her in my dreams.