If you don't know what FB stands for in this post, I can't help you.

I might lose a couple FB friends on this one but that's ok because I'm pretty sure if I croaked tomorrow, 310 friends would not come to my funeral.

I've noticed a few things since the FB wildfire has swept through my family and friends. One being that the vomiting of forwards into my inbox has been replaced by people's streams of consciousness on my news feed.

While it's nice to stay in the loop on the haps so when I do see people I can ask "hey how is your sick aunt doing" it just seems that some of my dear FB friends have gotten a little out of control on the postings.

I decided first before I put the proverbial foot in mouth I would do a little inventory on my own FB postings. Generally I can say that I mostly report on some opinion that I think others can relate to or might find surprising about me... or something to solicit a reaction such as a photo. Not just posting because I'm waiting at jiffy lube and feel like letting everyone know that their magazine selection sucks.

That being said I think it's worth an occasional reminder of what is generally not FB worthy. In other words, I'll just say what we all think sometimes but never say.  Also worth noting I'm not calling out anyone in particular, so calm down and finish reading before you block me.

First off, posting should never be done when home sick from work. If you're healthy enough to be updating your status from home, you're healthy enough to be working from home too. Your job is not that hard.

It's a safe bet to assume that at any given point of the day 99% of us are either tired or hungry. No shocker there. Guess what? I'm inhaling. Now? I'm exhaling.

I can respect the fact that you know 12 languages. Let's just stick to english or spanglish because I don't read sanskrit. It goes without saying that **Gh3tTo** speak is not a language, but all abbreviations are fair game... obv.

We should also remember our employers and blabbermouth coworkers know how to use FB and if you friend them, don't complain about your job or you might find yourself without one. If I hired you and knew you hated work, I'd fire you.

Thank God for the "hide" option or I'd have to block all farmers and gamers and who knows what else.

I'm a grammar nazi. I can't help it, but you can. So let's just get this over with. If you passed the 4th grade you should know the difference between their, there, and they're, and to vs. too. Here's one for you. I'm going to enjoy their party if there is cake. My friends said they're going to enjoy it too. Any questions?

Moving on.

Cussing on my FB comments or my wall is a no-no. My mother is on FB so let's keep it PG13, y'all.

Lastly, anyone who frequents FB daily is way too ADD to read your huge paragraph status update. Give me a link or a photo and a catchy line to hook me in. Like any good writer I need you to market your novel.

There, now that I got that outta my system, many thanks to my FB friends for all the birthday love last week.  Even if I don't talk to many of you on a regular, it's nice to know you care enough to post! Special thanks to the snail mail folks... you know who you are.

Vacations Part 2

After returning from my first cruise vacation with my awesome family and their spectacular friends I have decided to offer up my must-have list for anyone thinking of taking a cruise in the future (ahem... this better mean you because if you haven't gone on a cruise yet YOU MUST GO NOW).

Seabands - available at the pharmacy. Maybe motion sickness is all in my head (you mean the ship wasn't violently rocking when docked?) They are also a quick/cheap remedy.

Visine - for morning after bloodshots or windy days on a cruise ship. You can thank me and my cousin Iaesha for this one.

Sundress for every day of the trip (me again, and Vicenta).

Clutch wallet for the essentials: ID, cash, and chapstick because the sundress has no pockets and ID and cash in the bra gets uncomfortable. Why else do guys board shorts come with pockets. Obviously.

3 pairs of underwear for every day of the trip. Or enough for pre- and post-poolside wear and formal dinner nights. And because some cabinmates don't appreciate handwashed undies hanging around the room.

A cabin with a view. Confined spaces and no windows can make even the non-claustrophobic a little panicky after a couple days.

Gas medicine. Confined spaces, people. Confined spaces!

Tip calculator. Unless money is no object to you or you can do quick math in your head. Or you can just realize they already tack on 15% to every drink and resort to looking like a cheap bastard for not adding extra.

Water bottles if you plan to work out. $5 for a bottle of water (plus $0.50 tip) is ABSOLUTELY CRIMINAL. Now you can just skip the water and the working out part and fill a nalgene with your beverage of choice (thank you Gina for this one). Afterall spring water is overrated especially when it tastes like minerals. EVIAN.

Extra sunglasses - for days at Port in case they get lost in a big wave or stolen or dropped when stumbling back to the ship.

Book to read when by the pool when you happen to not be passed out. Something uplifting of the non-natural disaster sinking ship genre is recommended.

Walkie talkies - Save your international roaming fees because you're never too old for walkie talkies!

Yes I think that concludes my shortlist, now feel free to print this handy guide and laminate for future use. I stand by my tips so don't judge me! You can thank me by commenting on how fabulous you think I am / cruises are.

Vacations Part 1

I have a confession. Ready? Good. The truth is there are few things I enjoy less than going camping. There, I said it. Cavity filling? No problem. Just give me some novocaine and my ipod. Sleeping in the woods? HUGE problem. I'm not sure why when as an environmental engineer, my job more or less consists of minimizing effects of development on our natural resources through proper planning and design... And yet when an opportunity arises to spend good, quality time in that environment, I'll make up every excuse in the book to avoid it.

Certain things just lost their illusion of fun and mystery once I reached 14. Like puberty. And everything that had to do with high school. If people are born with straight teeth, they don't get braces. If people have a home with a comfortable bed, they don't sleep outside on the ground, with rocks in their back. I know you see my logic.

There were a couple good memories I had of camping, and they had to do with cute boys and food. Surprise. I know how much my family would LOVE for me to relay story of being 12 or 13 and having a massive crush on the kids camp guy and literally collapsing in disbelief when he mentioned his girlfriend. Mellodramatic much? Well it makes for a good story, and I don't embarass easily thanks to growing up around my father, I've had lots of practice in that department! Love you, Dad ;)

The other memories involved playing board games and eating turkey sandwiches and cheesecake on my birthday, which always coincided with the annual camping trip with the family. There was never really a dramatic turn for me, I just know by the time I reached 14, the fun and escape of camping was overshadowed by sheer discomfort of being dirty all the time, walking with a flashlight to the bathroom, and the bugs. Dare I say it... I'm far too girly for camping.

Yes, I know, nowadays everybody owns an air mattress, as if to say they can enjoy nature without roughing it. But panicking and carefully contorting my body while I remove my shoes to avoid getting dirt or bugs into the tent...guess what... is still roughing it! Not to mention if there are no flushable toilets and you have to resort to the portapotties. I'm not usually a freak about where I go, but having to manage the flashlight, bugs, and dirt all the way to the portapotty is enough to stop my bowels in their tracks for the duration. And people have the audacity to call this a vacation?!

What ever happened to renting a beach house... taking a roadtrip. cabins in tahoe. You can even do yosemite if you need to become one with nature... and then at night relax in the comfort of a hotel and NOT the little shacks with the cloth door like we did on the 8th grade class trip.

So needless to say whenever the subject of camping comes up around friends, family, or colleagues I cant help but grimace knowing I'm about to crush their excitement and betray both my family traditions and my profession. It's not even that I can't live without cable and my blow dryer, either. It probably comes down to knowing I can't really relax unless I'm actually comfortable. It may be girly but at least I choose to opt out of any camping trip that is longer than one night to save my friends/family from having to experience the dirty, uncomfortable, stopped up version of myself. Trust me, it's not cute.

Age (in)appropriate questions

I love the questions I get to look forward to at my age. Somehow I always end up in situations where people are comfortable enough asking what they feel are age appropriate questions.

Sure there's the occasional person who asks me how school is going even though I graduated 5 (count them FIVE) years ago. I'm going to assume it's because I still look 20 and not because I can't pass for 28 in most social circles. But I'm really referring to the other questions.

Lets see... there's the 'Are you married?' No. 'How is your dating life?' No comment. 'Have you bought any real estate?' Nope. 'Are you investing?' In what exactly... my shoe collection? 'Roth IRA?' Hmmm, never heard of that designer. And by the time they are done I have an entire body ache that feels like a hangover followed by 5 year old's punch to the lady parts.

And then I tell them I'm 28 and newly single and prefer not to invest in real estate until I'm married. And here it comes... The reassuring pat on my shoulder followed by 'Don't worry. You have plenty of time.' I know I do! Unless there's some race I didn't know about? Sure I'm well aware of my biological clock, since we're on the subject, but I wasn't aware that everybody else was keeping time for me.

People, let me say this once... this is my choice. If I wanted to be married, I could've jumped on board that ship when I had the opportunities. I choose the life that I have now because I have a supporting set of parents who pushed me to go after what I wanted in life and to never settle whether it be an education or travel or a new challenge or my relationships. And thank the Lord in heaven that they don't pressure me into settling down.

Sure, being single has been an adjustment. I recently heard it described as putting on a pair of new prescription glasses. At first, it's a headache and you hate them but wear them because you know you need them. And over time your eyes adjust and you see life in a whole new light. Damn, my therapist is good! So while I am just barely getting to like these new glasses (to steal her metaphor), I'd really rather everyone keep the questions simple and sweet. 'How are you?' I'm great. 'Would you like another glass of wine?' Yes. 'I have an extrememly handsome doctor friend, would you like to meet him?' God yes.

That's it. In exactly that order. I'm not asking for too much, am I?

The Pay As You Go Plan

I started getting the paper on the weekends, one of the latest things i enjoy in my free time... my ME time. i like the quiet hours on sunday mornings to pour over the ads and pretend i'm actually looking for some great deal. it's basically like window shopping in the comfort of my pajamas without having to look like one of those who have given up on themselves entirely and resorted to pajamas in public. and sorry tell you - Ugg boots and velour pants - an outfit do not make.

What was my point. Oh yeah, weekend paper! I finally succummed to the subscription when it occurred to me that this kind of pick-and-choose is actually liberating for someone like me who spends all of 3 hours an evening at home to get stuff done and reading the paper is not one of them. Nor is watching TV unless it's Thursday nights and you'd better believe I'll be watching cougartown and grey's anatomy on my little TV with the bunny ear antenna. That's the other thing...I just cant justify the expense of cable TV when i really dont have a lotta time or interest in TV, especially reality TV. if I wanted to spend my money watching a bunch of trainwrecks sink to a new low i can do that for free at the local dive on college night. good times!

but you know, it makes me think. why hasn't anyone thought of applying the weekend newspaper subscription idea to cable TV? why can't i pay for the days I most need it and the rest of the days resort to the local (free) channels for basic shows and local news. Why can't I have my McDreamy and eat him too? or... something like that. you know what I'm getting at. I'd easily pay $10 for a weekend knowing that I have company coming especially the family who look at me like I just shot a kitten when I tell them I don't have cable. No InDemand?! No ESPN?! No Comedy Central?! How can you live with yourself???!!!

Well before my cousin has a hernia, I could just flash my fancy pay-as-you-go plan in their face because that's how I roll. Are we not the society of immediate gratification? How has this plan not become available for the busy working professional w/out the 2.5 people per household justifying a monthly cable bill? If the newspaper industry is threatened by online access, how has digital converter boxes and Hulu.com not threatened cable TV companies to offer the pay-as-you-go? In FACT, I cant even (get dressed and go) rent a movie at blockbuster if i wanted to because they've all closed down in Sacramento, but I can RENT a movie on Amazon.com and watch it on my laptop for $3.99. Seriously people. I know I've exhausted this point. But COME ON. Somebody get me someone who knows a thing or two about paying extra for services they dont need when they've got all they need at home. Does anyone know how to get a hold of Tiger Woods? Jesse James maybe? Well like them, I guess I'm just screwed.

The day my shoes thought they got the better of me

Yesterday was one of those days where I woke up on time, had my freshly dry cleaned work clothes ready, lunch packed, and even had time to do my hair before running out the door to get to work by 8. By all accounts a miracle in itself! Really productive day at work full of meetings, projects, getting clients and coworkers taken care of. Even made tons of progress on this recent project. Seriously felt like one of those days where everything goes right.

Wrong.

I jumped in my car after work on my way to a dinner date, kicked off my heels because I drive barefoot (who doesn't) and realized... in my morning rush... I had grabbed 2 different shoes. That's right... grabbed the left of my black stiletto and the right of my black platform wedge. umm how the hell??? I guess they're both black, same height, same toe, and both reside in my very dark closet just waiting for the day that I'll make that mistake and the older pair will get even with me for forgetting them in my car for 2 months and buying a newer, apparently way too similar pair. Karma baby.

So there I was on the way to my date, with 2 mismatched shoes and with the only other pair being flats which clearly wouldn't work at this point considering the length of my pants. Curse my shortness again! I managed to get through dinner, hoping he wouldn't notice and ask if I normally wear 2 different shoes because clearly guys have only 2 pairs of shoes in their closet, and maybe even a working closet light because they can FIX anything, and thus... that never happens to them. Well just to be safe, I awkwardly walked behind him to and from dinner and afterwards quickly switched into my jeans and flats w/ no notice of the shoes... hah! wardrobe malfunction averted!

I suppose this is the only time I've ever been grateful for a guy's lack of attention to detail. I mean really, do they honestly think we wake up and roll out of bed with "come and get me" hair and eyes? More like the "lost a fight with my pillow" look to both. Please. Would it kill 'em to notice when I wear plum instead of beige eye shadow. Curly instead of straight hair. New blouse that I got a killer deal on which you'd know if you paid attention to anything other than socks first, then shoes, then loop, swoop, and pull.

Then again, as they say, be careful what you wish for!

Lessons Learned in Corporate America

My 5-year anniversary with my company came a lot quicker than I thought it would. I still feel like I just graduated! I know I've learned a lot of skills in these short years, technical or otherwise. Probably the biggest lesson I'm constantly learning is the fine art of corporate politics. Sometimes it's how to best work with your colleagues and your clients. Sometimes it's swallowing your pride to kiss a little corporate rear *gasp*. Other times it's the "chain of command" to follow so as to not step on the wrong toes.

I still remember my first run-in with corporate politics, 1-month on the job and of all things, on the wording on my business card. 5-years to get a degree in environmental engineering and my first business card stated "Designer, Public Infrastructure". Sounded like a roadway designer or a city planner to me. I asked my boss whether I could get it changed to something a little more descriptive of my role, especially since I was hired into the environmental infrastructure group. I was told it was up to HR who orders business cards, who also gets approval from the VP before submitting the request to corporate. In other words, I could take it up w/ HR who would request a new set of business cards that may or may not get vetoed by the VP on its way up to corporate.

Well this was disconcerting, so I did what my cal poly education taught me to do... walk up and ask why. Not to my boss, or to HR, but to the VP. And so I headed down the hall, ponytail swaying, straight to the corner office and knocked on his door to discuss the fate of my business card with him.

A serious looking man in a suit stared back at me and gently explained to the "newbie" that in our industry the term environmental on a business card usually refers to "bugs and bunnies" and we don't want to give off the wrong idea to potential clients. [I'm sorry? I didnt realize I got a degree in bugs bunny engineering. Deep breath...] I explained that I most sincerely valued my new job, but that I also took a lot of pride in my degree and my department, and that I'm sure the clients would understand that since I'm at the "designer" or "junior" level that surely they won't get the wrong idea about my qualifications. He nodded and said "I'll see what I can do."

2-weeks later a hefty box of business cards with "Designer, Environmental Infrastructure" appeared on my desk. A small victory for me considering I wouldn't get a new set until I passed my PE a few years later at which point I would get to choose my own title. Environmental Engineer. Simple, concise, technical. No warm and fuzzy bugs and bunnies here.

Sometimes it's what they don't teach you in school that is most valuable. My advice is to learn the corporate politics quickly, always act professionally, and look the part even if you lack experience. One of the biggest compliments I've received on this job came from the serious suit's successor who upon 5 minutes of talking with me about my position and my other interests asked me "where did you go to school? wait don't tell me... cal poly." How did he know, i asked? "I could just tell." I was definitely honored that someone of his caliber, and a fellow cal poly grad I assumed, would see in me a fraction of his potential especially when I decided to skip the butt-kissing side of corporate politics and just be myself. That reminds me, most important lesson, don't forget to stay true to yourself in corporate america. Don't worry about what others are doing around you. Just do you... do well... and it'll pay off.